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What is God? Is it a what? Or is it a who? Is it an it? Is he a he? Is she a she? Believers say that God is the entity that created creation. Everything you see is the work of God: trees, hills, bumble bees, pancakes, stars, chocolate pudding, lava, incandescent light bulbs. God made it all. He’s a busy guy, if he is a guy, and if he exists, and if he is discernible to the human mind. God. Is it just something to scream when we’re mad or when we’re cumming? Is he just someone to thank before every meal? Is she our mother earth, forests sewn into her skin like hairs and rivers strewn throughout her body like veins? What is God? Maybe God is an if. If we don’t know the answer, then the answer is God. If God makes us feel good, then God is real. If all my friends believe that there is a God, then there is a god. Maybe God is a contingency plan; an ejector seat when reality becomes too difficult. Some say that God is manifest in the splendor of the universe. Why then is he not manifest in the squalor of the universe? We say “God damn it!” when we stub our toe, as if God will hear us and smite the table that we stubbed it on. We say, “God willing,” when we hope that God will intercede on the behalf of our cause. We say “God bless you,” when someone sneezes, because apparently God cares a lot about the rapid expulsion of mucus from your nostrils. We say, “God help us,” when doom approaches. We say, “Oh my God,” when exasperation overtakes us. We say, “Why, God?” when malady afflicts us. We say, “God works in mysterious ways” when what we really mean is that the universe acts in random and callous ways. We say, “God bless America,” or “God save the Queen,” or something similar to express our loyalty towards whatever government power lords over our lives. We say, “God is watching,” to instill fear. We say, “God is good,” as if to convince ourselves that this is true. We call the righteous men, “God-fearing.” Fearing God is righteous. God-loving is not a term that has yet entered the common vernacular, though God is sometimes referred to as a “Loving God.” We say, “In God we trust,” but if that were true, then what use would we have for all these tanks and missiles. We say, “God helps those who help themselves.” But those who help themselves don’t need God’s help. What is God? Is God an X. A variable? A place marker? God is that which we need God to be. A despot one moment, a redeemer the next. One who will love you, but send your enemies to roast in flames. One who is so great that he created the universe, yet so petty that he persecutes the homosexuals. One who explains everything that isn’t explained, until someone else explains it. Believers, I ask: is God you? Is God your biases? Is God your judgments? Is God your ego? Let’s cut to the chase: Are you God? When you say, “God damn this chair!” aren’t you really the one damning the chair. When you say, “God Bless America!” aren’t you really expressing your own love for America. When you say, “God doesn’t approve of the sinners,” aren’t you really saying that you don’t approve of someone, and so you’ve slapped the sinner label on them. When football players thank God for victory, aren’t they really saying, “Thank God for making me so great.”? Isn’t God a crutch, not just for your life, but for your ego? Without God, would your perception of the world collapse? Or would it broaden beyond your mind’s ability to comprehend? What is God? What is God? I think, believers, that God is the opinions that you can’t otherwise justify. God is your intellectual laziness. God is your ego. God is that which you need God to be. God is X. God is the sum of all your willful ignorance. God is a convenience. God is a social adhesive. God is exclusionary. God is your bigotry. God is an excuse. God is your clever ploy to avoid thinking, responsibility and the need to develop a sense of social justice. God is your lie. What is God? God isn’t real.